Local Revision: Wordiness

This was personally my favourite task of the week. It definitely helped me realise how I can improve my writing in general and allowed me improve a part of my essay.

Excerpt from Draft 1:
"His claim that the members who started the fraud should understand their wrongdoings and resign is a bold but credible statement. Woodford’s statements also relate back to how the scandal has caused chaos for all parties (members who started fraud, himself and people working for Olympus). This is also developed with how Woodford believes the guilty members as well as the current board of Olympus care more about themselves than the company. He believes that by not resigning this will only continue to hurt the company’s name and the 45,000 people currently working for Olympus. This is a strong point made which plays on emotions of the public by pointing out how a large, innocent group of employees are being affected by this scandal."


Re-written paragraph:
In regards to the first claim about the fate of the responsible members, this is a bold but credible claim. Woodford’s statements also relate to how the scandal caused chaos for all parties (members at fault, himself and Olympus employees). This is developed with Woodford believing the guilty members and the current board of Olympus care more about themselves than the company. He believes that by not resigning this will only continue to hurt the company’s name more and it's 45,000 employees. This is a strong point made which plays on emotions of the public by mentioning the large innocent group of employees being affected.


Response:
From the perspective of the audience, it is clear how the rewritten section is different from the original. The original is much more lengthy with unnecessary fluff. It is almost as if I tried fitting in all the ideas I possibly could. Furthermore, certain unnecessary words in the original could easily be taken out while not removing the main idea of the sentence. The re-written paragraph is much more succinct with less words to read from. It is more clear and short which would allow the reader to understand my writing more easily and quicker. This as a result gives the audience more time and improves the reader's interest. Thus the re-written paragraph is better than the original for all these reasons.

stokpic, "Female Hands Typing Keyboard Trackpad Business", 4/3/2015 via pixabay

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